I read a post a few months back about a sister who, like me, was having some anxiety attacks and the post, SubhanAllah was so relateable. Two years ago, if someone were to tell me that I was going to be having anxiety issues I would have laughed and said ,"Me? You've got the wrong person". But Allah works in strange ways. I thought I was emotionally very strong but the past year has proved otherwise.
A lot of people might not understand someone who has anxiety issues. I've read that only those with anxiety can understand someone else with anxiety. It's not a disorder that happens because you're too weak or fragile. It could happen to anyone and there's really no reason that could trigger it in the first place. The first panic attack I had came a few minutes after I did some intense cardio workouts after stuffing myself with extra servings of Lasagne ;) Maybe I over-exerted myself that night but all the panic attacks I've had since then have been random. One moment I'm perfectly fine and the next second, I'm doubling over with a panic attack.
In January, my father was really unwell and he had to be rushed to the emergency unit and then when I thought I'd really have a panic attack, I didn't. Another day when I was doing the dishes, I just had to give it up because of a sudden panic attack. That's how unpredictable it is.
Anyway, I've been improving over the last few months and Alhamdulillah. I've gone for nearly six months without a panic attack. It's a relief but I keep thinking, 'What if I get it again?'
I read a sister who was telling how amazing it is that when you get a panic attack, your body just doubles over and all you want to do is bend down in Sujood and that's the only comfortable position and SubhanAllah, that night I really understood what she meant.
So, two weeks ago at night, I started feeling nauseous and I was pretty sure an anxiety attack was going to come and naturally, I freaked out. I didn't want to tell my mother because she'd stop me from going to swimming classes and I didn't want that.
I was praying Isha and I was feeling a little light-headed, nauseous and palpitating- sure signs of an impending panic attack. So on my last Rakah, I went down on Sujood and just stayed there. I didn't recite anything or even move my lips in Duaa. All I did was just bow down in Sujood and I felt sooo at ease. It's really difficult to explain how it was.... My breathing slowed down and I was feeling so calm. Just to bow to Allah and know that even if your lips don't move, Allah understand what your heart is saying. It's amazing.
We feel so at ease lying down on our mother's lap and Allah, Who loves us 70 times more, to prostrate to Him and feel the weight of your problems being lifted is beyond amazing. In Sujood, the soul finds what it craves for which is closeness to Allah and really, at that point, I realized exactly what this verse from the Quran means:
"Unquestionably, in the remembrance of the hearts do finds find rest"
The moment I lifted my head from Sujood, the anxiety had gone. There was still a bit of a headache but Alhamdulillah, I was feeling so much better!
Oh Allah, to have you as my Lord, to be able to talk to you so freely, that's freedom. To express everything I feel to Al Khabeer, the One who is aware of even the tiniest things and more than that, to talk to Al Mujeeb- the One who never fails to respond- is a relief, a comfort and an assurance. Thank You, my Lord for being there for me, for holding me up each time I slipped, for bringing me back to You again and again and again, for forgiving and overlooking me despite my sins, for watching over me every second of the day, for caring for me and for just being there for me. It's all the strength I ever need.
"And in Sujood, the heart found what it lost"